Stages of Grief
The 5 Stages of Grief
By Melanie Haiken, Caring.com senior editor
Losing a parent, spouse, or other loved one is really hard. What most of us don't know, until it happens, is that it hurts for a long time. According to experts, though, there are recognizable stages -- or signposts -- that you'll pass through as you move from bereavement to healing. In her landmark 1969 book On Death and Dying, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross popularized the idea of five stages of grief. Since then some experts have continued to work with Kubler-Ross's model, while others have simplified the theory to include just three or four stages, or expanded the list to as many as ten.
But most experts agree that everyone processes a loss by experiencing a series of different feelings, though we may go through these stages in a different order or skip one altogether. Here's a guide to the stages of grief and how to navigate them to find comfort and healing.
- - - - - - - -
SAMOON AHMAD, MD CONDITIONS | JUNE 11, 2020
The widowhood effect and COVID-19: What seniors need to know
https://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2020/06/the-widowhood-effect-and-covid-19-what-seniors-need-to-know.html
The coronavirus has taken a major toll on virtually all aspects of our lives, especially for those of us who live in urban areas. As many others have rightfully pointed out, the dangers of the disease extend well beyond the physical complications caused by the SARS-CoV-2 virus. The virus has also sent a psychological shockwave around the globe, and even those who have not become sick have felt the burden of needing to quickly adjust to the stresses of the new normal.
Of all the groups affected by the coronavirus, seniors have been hit the hardest, even in developed countries like the United States. Roughly 8 of every ten deaths caused by COVID-19 in the U.S. have been adults over the age of 65. Dig a little deeper, and one also finds that the disease is also more fatal for people of color and men, though the severity of this gender gap seems to shrink as one gets older.
What this data suggests is that there is a high likelihood that many elderly individuals, particularly elderly women, may lose a spouse during this pandemic. Given that spousal bereavement is associated with excess risk of mortality, a well-documented phenomenon known as the “widowhood effect,” the coming months may see notably higher fatality rates among senior populations despite declines in the number of new cases of COVID-19.
What preventative measures can we take to avoid this potential crisis?
The impact of spousal bereavement on mental health
When a spouse dies, it is an extremely traumatic event regardless of age or cause of death. It can leave the bereaved feeling lost or empty, oftentimes for years. Exactly what constitutes a normal timeline for grief is a sensitive topic that relies on a myriad of variables, but most individuals eventually move past the signs and symptoms of what is known as complicated grief (denial, pain, anger, or guilt, among other emotions) and arrive at the stage of acceptance.
Even in the best of circumstances (time to prepare for the death, a cohesive family structure, financial stability, and so on), this period is never easy. While it should come as no surprise that the disruptive effects of a spouse’s death can have negative effects on one’s mental health, studies have also indicated that it may lead to the deterioration of one’s physical health. This may, in turn, contribute to an increased mortality rate. This study found that there was a 40-fold increase in the risk of a bereaved spouse developing a new illness or allowing an existing one to worsen within the first two months after their loss.
No surprise, studies have found that this is linked to the depression-like symptoms that are common in the initial stages of grief. This may lead the bereaved to engage in health-threatening behaviors or neglect health-promoting activities, particularly during the first six months following the death. For example, a recently widowed individual may abuse alcohol or other drugs. They may also change their diet for the worse or fail to comply with medical regimes, often because these responsibilities had been within the domain of the recently departed spouse.
Preventative measures
Prevention of grief is not possible, but the prevention of potentially deleterious behaviors is. First and foremost, it is imperative that the bereaved do not feel completely alone. Yes, they may wish for time apart from family and friends, but they should not feel as if there is no one to whom they can turn. Providing the bereaved with a strong social network of supportive friends and family will ensure that they do not feel isolated. Granted, this may be more difficult due to social distancing efforts, but such networks tend to inspire healthy behaviors and discourage risky ones.
However, this is not a categorical statement. As this study found, not all networks are created equally, and a network consisting of a handful of intimate relationships is far more helpful than a vast network comprised of acquaintances. Quality is more important than quantity. For example, if a bereaved individual does not feel comfortable in new situations, sending them to a support group full of strangers may result in a great deal of anxiety, thereby doing more harm than good. Unless the bereaved is displaying antisocial behaviors for extended periods of time, they should ultimately dictate the context of the support they receive and the makeup of the support network.
Studies have also found that perceived support is more important in many cases than how extensive a social support network actually is, as not all individuals within one’s network are necessarily supportive or desirable to be around. Additionally, different kinds of networks may be able to provide different avenues for therapy. For example, establishing new relationships may give rise to novel experiences and interests. Conversely, the bereaved may wish to avoid reaching out to new relations in times of great difficulty and feel more comfortable relying on someone with whom they have a stable and ostensibly resilient relationship.
Data indicates that the latter group is of paramount importance during the initial stages of bereavement. This includes not only family, who may be preoccupied by their own feelings of grief, but also longstanding and intragenerational friends and neighbours.
Concluding thoughts
Though we live in difficult times, most of us will be able to resume some degree of normalcy eventually. Others, particularly bereaved seniors, will not be so lucky. They may be able to celebrate the end of the pandemic, but the disease will have left an indelible scar upon their lives. They will emerge from one crisis to face yet another: loneliness. It is up to us to ensure that we use what resources we have to make sure vulnerable seniors feel connected to the community, to friends, and to family.
Samoon Ahmad is a psychiatrist.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stage one in the stages of grief: Shock and denial
For the first hours, days, even weeks after someone you're close to dies, you may feel like you simply can't absorb what's happened. It might feel like there's a glass wall between you and your feelings. You know you're sad, but you can't actually grieve. The numbness protects you from dissolving, but it may feel a bit frightening, too -- why can't I cry?
Losing someone you've lived with may also bring intense feelings of loneliness and emptiness as you struggle with the hole left in your daily life. If you've spent the past months or years as a caregiver, it's natural to experience a sense of being cut adrift -- after giving so much of your time and devotion to your loved one, suddenly you are no longer needed.
What you might be feeling:
· Numb and distracted -- "This can't be happening to me."
· Alienated from other people, as though everyone else exists in the sunny world of everyday events, while you're in a dark tunnel.
· Bereft of purpose. Many caregivers say they feel painfully lost, as if the connection that kept them going every day is no longer there.
What you might notice:
· Memory gaps, such as being unable to recall what you did yesterday, or not knowing how long it's been since you last ate.
· Being disorganized and "spacey" -- misplacing your keys or cell phone, losing your car in the parking lot, forgetting to return phone calls.
· Feeling out of touch with your real feelings, reacting in ways that don't feel like "you," such as snapping at a sibling or feeling nothing when a friend tells you some happy or sad news.
What to do:
· Give yourself permission to feel however you feel. You've just been through an emotional earthquake, and the aftershocks are going to continue for a long time. It's okay if you can't cry, and it's also okay if you cry all the time or at inappropriate moments.
· Break through the denial. Recognize that numbness has a purpose: It keeps you from falling apart. But if feelings of distance and unreality are bothering you, use family members and close friends as touchstones. Prevent yourself from "stuffing" your feelings by checking in with others: How are you holding up? Create opportunities to talk over the experiences you've been through and reminisce about your loved one.
Stage two in the stages of grief: Pain and guilt
When the protective curtain of denial slowly slips aside, intense feelings start to surface. This may be the hardest time, when things seem darkest. Self-blame is common. You may find yourself replaying conversations and decisions in your mind and asking yourself if you should have done things differently. If you've lost someone who's been suffering or in pain, you may experience a complex mix of relief coupled with guilt. It's common to hear a judging voice in your head, berating you for feeling relieved -- but actually relief is a perfectly normal reaction.
What you might be feeling:
· Extreme mood swings, feeling okay one moment and overwhelmed with sadness the next.
· Physical and/or emotional exhaustion. You might feel like you can't get out of bed in the morning, or even like you can't go on any longer.
· Guilt -- if you've lost someone who died relatively young, you may feel guilty that you yourself have your health. If you've been a primary caregiver, you may feel relieved that the intense period of caregiving is over and you can return to your "normal" life, yet you feel terribly guilty for having such thoughts.
What you might notice:
· Tears that come when you least expect them.
· Negative thoughts about yourself.
· Obsessive thought patterns, such as going over in your mind things you did and didn't do or say.
· Exhaustion and lethargy -- feeling overwhelmed and defeated, asking yourself "what's the point?"
What to do...
· Find ways to turn off the "tapes" replaying themselves in your mind. If there are moments or images that are particularly traumatic to remember (the decision to turn off life support, for example, or an image of your loved one in pain), talk through the memories with family members and friends who went through them with you.
Saying, "I keep thinking of how much pain she was in and wondering if there was more we could have done" allows you to get the dark feelings and fears out in the open so that you and those who were also present can talk through what happened.
You may be surprised to find that others remember things differently. Getting everyone's feelings out in the open allows you to reassure each other that you all did the best you could in a difficult situation.
· Ask for help. This is the time to find a support group, therapist, or close friend or family member who's been through something similar, who can help you work through these very difficult feelings.
On the Gold Coast, BlueCare has a free eight-week grief recovery program for Gold Coast residents who have lost a loved one.
For details phone 07 5532 0588 (northern end).
· Force yourself to reach out. It's easy to hide away or isolate yourself when you feel that you're "not at your best," but this is just the time to reach out. Put a few close friends or family members on alert by saying, "I'm having a pretty tough time right now. Can I call you when I'm really feeling down?" Setting this up ahead of time gives you permission to pick up the phone.
· Let yourself off the hook. If you're experiencing guilt for surviving, or relief that their suffering or your caregiving role is over, remind yourself that those feelings are common and natural and nothing to feel bad about. The truth of the situation is that the person you were caring for is out of pain and some of the burdens that have overwhelmed you have been lifted, and it's natural to react with relief.
Stage three in the stages of grief: Anger, frustration, and bitterness
For many people, this stage alternates in spurts with pain and guilt. You may find yourself becoming very reactive. You're going along just fine until something -- a TV episode, a story told by a friend, an ad in a magazine -- sets off an explosion of angry, even hostile feelings. Sometimes anger is a way to shield ourselves from feeling intense pain; other times it's the simple contrast between other peoples' concerns and the sheer magnitude of what we're going through that triggers an attack of bitterness or frustration.
What you might be feeling:
· Sudden attacks of self-pity and frustration or bursts of outrage and a sense of injustice that may feel childlike: "Why me?" or "This isn't fair!" As one person put it, "I just keep thinking that this isn't what we signed up for."
· Bitterness or resentment. If you've lost someone who died relatively young, you may feel bitter about having lost her "before her time." Many people describe feelings they're not proud of, such as, "Why couldn't it have been him instead?" One person who lost her father early to cancer reported feeling ashamed of her lack of compassion when other friends described their difficulties with fathers in poor health. She heard a voice in her head saying, "I'll trade you any day."
What you might notice:
· A desire to avoid certain social situations, particularly those where others are celebratory or self-congratulatory.
· Irritation when others complain about things that seem petty and unimportant compared with what you're going through.
· A tendency to react with mistrust and sarcasm.
· Anger and bitterness over others' sincere expressions of sympathy. Someone saying "I understand," or "Is there something I can do?" might make you want to scream, for instance.
What to do:
· Avoid those who bring you down. If you notice that certain people or situations bring on bouts of anger and ill humour, it's perfectly okay to avoid them -- you're protecting both of you. For instance, if a certain friend tends to initiate a "pity party," put that friendship on hold for awhile.
· Tell people what's happened. It can be hard to bring up a loss, but it's more uncomfortable still if you keep silent and those around you remain oblivious. When there's an appropriate opening, explain that you've recently experienced a loss. People will be more supportive than you think, and some will really "get it," resulting in deeper shared connection. This will also stop most of those who are just having a bad day from telling you about it.
· Have compassion for yourself. When feelings of anger and bitterness are separating you from others, instead of berating yourself for your lack of compassion, turn that compassion on yourself. You've just lost someone terribly important to you, and it's natural for your mind to compare yourself with others and find their situations less traumatic. Talk to yourself with sympathy and forgiveness and remind yourself that you won't always feel this way.
Learn About Acceptance as a Stage of Grief:
No matter how deep your grief, slowly but surely you'll be pulled back into the world -- perhaps even against your will. Life has a way of throwing moments our way that wake us to the possibilities still in front of us.
But at first, it's almost certainly going to feel like one step forward, two steps back. That's okay. Bit by bit your mind will accept what's happened, and you'll discover new reserves of strength and resilience.
What you might be feeling:
· A sense of "waking up" to the world around you.
· Moments of surprising joy and satisfaction, followed by guilt: "How can I feel happy?"
· New reserves of strength and determination: "I can get through this."
· If you've lost your second parent, you may feel a sense of moving forward into a new phase of your life. Now you're the "older generation" in your family, which can feel scary and sad. But over time it may also feel freeing. Even if most of the time you're still very low, you'll start to see that there is a way past the grief.
What you might notice:
· Things can seem funny again. Whereas a few months ago you avoided silly movies and didn't find jokes funny, now every once in a while something makes you laugh or smile.
· A return to awareness: You notice the smell of roasting coffee or a friend's new scarf.
· The rediscovery of old satisfactions: You might realize you want to resume knitting, start a new book, or rejoin a volunteer effort that used to be important to you.
· At least for short periods, you feel like yourself again.
What to do:
· Seek out experiences that feel meaningful. If seeing your grandchildren is the only thing that gets you out of bed in the morning, make as many dates as possible to spend time with them. If watching birds at the bird feeder lifts your spirits in midwinter, keep the feeder filled and perhaps invest in a bird guide and try to identify your winter visitors.
· Fight "survivor's guilt." Don't feel bad about being happy. Life goes on, and we're meant to go on with it. If the moments are few and far between, notice them and seek out similar moments. Ask yourself what your loved one would have wished for you -- to see you in perpetual mourning or happy to see you rediscovering joy in life?
· Give back to others. Many people, when grieving a loss, find solace in helping others. It can take you out of yourself and put things in perspective to help others in need. Volunteer in your community or at your place of worship, or offer to help a friend or neighbour who is going through a hard time.
Remember all the people who helped you through your loved one's last illness? There are others out there for whom you can perform the same valuable service, with a new depth of compassion and understanding.
Resources to help you cope - for Yourself, and for your Loved One
Professor Liz Lobb - the best I have seen. Her sensitive insights, understanding, and compassion, alert us to the fact that, "There is no right or wrong way to grieve. What you are experiencing is Normal. Each grieve, each in their own way." and it's OK, because it's Normal...
A Video on Bereavement:
A discussion of the nature of grief, the stages of grief and health professional’s awareness regarding the grieving process.
The 5 Stages of Grief
By Melanie Haiken, Caring.com senior editor
Losing a parent, spouse, or other loved one is really hard. What most of us don't know, until it happens, is that it hurts for a long time. According to experts, though, there are recognizable stages -- or signposts -- that you'll pass through as you move from bereavement to healing. In her landmark 1969 book On Death and Dying, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross popularized the idea of five stages of grief. Since then some experts have continued to work with Kubler-Ross's model, while others have simplified the theory to include just three or four stages, or expanded the list to as many as ten.
But most experts agree that everyone processes a loss by experiencing a series of different feelings, though we may go through these stages in a different order or skip one altogether. Here's a guide to the stages of grief and how to navigate them to find comfort and healing.
- - - - - - - -
SAMOON AHMAD, MD CONDITIONS | JUNE 11, 2020
The widowhood effect and COVID-19: What seniors need to know
https://www.kevinmd.com/blog/2020/06/the-widowhood-effect-and-covid-19-what-seniors-need-to-know.html
The coronavirus has taken a major toll on virtually all aspects of our lives, especially for those of us who live in urban areas. As many others have rightfully pointed out, the dangers of the disease extend well beyond the physical complications caused by the SARS-CoV-2 virus. The virus has also sent a psychological shockwave around the globe, and even those who have not become sick have felt the burden of needing to quickly adjust to the stresses of the new normal.
Of all the groups affected by the coronavirus, seniors have been hit the hardest, even in developed countries like the United States. Roughly 8 of every ten deaths caused by COVID-19 in the U.S. have been adults over the age of 65. Dig a little deeper, and one also finds that the disease is also more fatal for people of color and men, though the severity of this gender gap seems to shrink as one gets older.
What this data suggests is that there is a high likelihood that many elderly individuals, particularly elderly women, may lose a spouse during this pandemic. Given that spousal bereavement is associated with excess risk of mortality, a well-documented phenomenon known as the “widowhood effect,” the coming months may see notably higher fatality rates among senior populations despite declines in the number of new cases of COVID-19.
What preventative measures can we take to avoid this potential crisis?
The impact of spousal bereavement on mental health
When a spouse dies, it is an extremely traumatic event regardless of age or cause of death. It can leave the bereaved feeling lost or empty, oftentimes for years. Exactly what constitutes a normal timeline for grief is a sensitive topic that relies on a myriad of variables, but most individuals eventually move past the signs and symptoms of what is known as complicated grief (denial, pain, anger, or guilt, among other emotions) and arrive at the stage of acceptance.
Even in the best of circumstances (time to prepare for the death, a cohesive family structure, financial stability, and so on), this period is never easy. While it should come as no surprise that the disruptive effects of a spouse’s death can have negative effects on one’s mental health, studies have also indicated that it may lead to the deterioration of one’s physical health. This may, in turn, contribute to an increased mortality rate. This study found that there was a 40-fold increase in the risk of a bereaved spouse developing a new illness or allowing an existing one to worsen within the first two months after their loss.
No surprise, studies have found that this is linked to the depression-like symptoms that are common in the initial stages of grief. This may lead the bereaved to engage in health-threatening behaviors or neglect health-promoting activities, particularly during the first six months following the death. For example, a recently widowed individual may abuse alcohol or other drugs. They may also change their diet for the worse or fail to comply with medical regimes, often because these responsibilities had been within the domain of the recently departed spouse.
Preventative measures
Prevention of grief is not possible, but the prevention of potentially deleterious behaviors is. First and foremost, it is imperative that the bereaved do not feel completely alone. Yes, they may wish for time apart from family and friends, but they should not feel as if there is no one to whom they can turn. Providing the bereaved with a strong social network of supportive friends and family will ensure that they do not feel isolated. Granted, this may be more difficult due to social distancing efforts, but such networks tend to inspire healthy behaviors and discourage risky ones.
However, this is not a categorical statement. As this study found, not all networks are created equally, and a network consisting of a handful of intimate relationships is far more helpful than a vast network comprised of acquaintances. Quality is more important than quantity. For example, if a bereaved individual does not feel comfortable in new situations, sending them to a support group full of strangers may result in a great deal of anxiety, thereby doing more harm than good. Unless the bereaved is displaying antisocial behaviors for extended periods of time, they should ultimately dictate the context of the support they receive and the makeup of the support network.
Studies have also found that perceived support is more important in many cases than how extensive a social support network actually is, as not all individuals within one’s network are necessarily supportive or desirable to be around. Additionally, different kinds of networks may be able to provide different avenues for therapy. For example, establishing new relationships may give rise to novel experiences and interests. Conversely, the bereaved may wish to avoid reaching out to new relations in times of great difficulty and feel more comfortable relying on someone with whom they have a stable and ostensibly resilient relationship.
Data indicates that the latter group is of paramount importance during the initial stages of bereavement. This includes not only family, who may be preoccupied by their own feelings of grief, but also longstanding and intragenerational friends and neighbours.
Concluding thoughts
Though we live in difficult times, most of us will be able to resume some degree of normalcy eventually. Others, particularly bereaved seniors, will not be so lucky. They may be able to celebrate the end of the pandemic, but the disease will have left an indelible scar upon their lives. They will emerge from one crisis to face yet another: loneliness. It is up to us to ensure that we use what resources we have to make sure vulnerable seniors feel connected to the community, to friends, and to family.
Samoon Ahmad is a psychiatrist.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stage one in the stages of grief: Shock and denial
For the first hours, days, even weeks after someone you're close to dies, you may feel like you simply can't absorb what's happened. It might feel like there's a glass wall between you and your feelings. You know you're sad, but you can't actually grieve. The numbness protects you from dissolving, but it may feel a bit frightening, too -- why can't I cry?
Losing someone you've lived with may also bring intense feelings of loneliness and emptiness as you struggle with the hole left in your daily life. If you've spent the past months or years as a caregiver, it's natural to experience a sense of being cut adrift -- after giving so much of your time and devotion to your loved one, suddenly you are no longer needed.
What you might be feeling:
· Numb and distracted -- "This can't be happening to me."
· Alienated from other people, as though everyone else exists in the sunny world of everyday events, while you're in a dark tunnel.
· Bereft of purpose. Many caregivers say they feel painfully lost, as if the connection that kept them going every day is no longer there.
What you might notice:
· Memory gaps, such as being unable to recall what you did yesterday, or not knowing how long it's been since you last ate.
· Being disorganized and "spacey" -- misplacing your keys or cell phone, losing your car in the parking lot, forgetting to return phone calls.
· Feeling out of touch with your real feelings, reacting in ways that don't feel like "you," such as snapping at a sibling or feeling nothing when a friend tells you some happy or sad news.
What to do:
· Give yourself permission to feel however you feel. You've just been through an emotional earthquake, and the aftershocks are going to continue for a long time. It's okay if you can't cry, and it's also okay if you cry all the time or at inappropriate moments.
· Break through the denial. Recognize that numbness has a purpose: It keeps you from falling apart. But if feelings of distance and unreality are bothering you, use family members and close friends as touchstones. Prevent yourself from "stuffing" your feelings by checking in with others: How are you holding up? Create opportunities to talk over the experiences you've been through and reminisce about your loved one.
Stage two in the stages of grief: Pain and guilt
When the protective curtain of denial slowly slips aside, intense feelings start to surface. This may be the hardest time, when things seem darkest. Self-blame is common. You may find yourself replaying conversations and decisions in your mind and asking yourself if you should have done things differently. If you've lost someone who's been suffering or in pain, you may experience a complex mix of relief coupled with guilt. It's common to hear a judging voice in your head, berating you for feeling relieved -- but actually relief is a perfectly normal reaction.
What you might be feeling:
· Extreme mood swings, feeling okay one moment and overwhelmed with sadness the next.
· Physical and/or emotional exhaustion. You might feel like you can't get out of bed in the morning, or even like you can't go on any longer.
· Guilt -- if you've lost someone who died relatively young, you may feel guilty that you yourself have your health. If you've been a primary caregiver, you may feel relieved that the intense period of caregiving is over and you can return to your "normal" life, yet you feel terribly guilty for having such thoughts.
What you might notice:
· Tears that come when you least expect them.
· Negative thoughts about yourself.
· Obsessive thought patterns, such as going over in your mind things you did and didn't do or say.
· Exhaustion and lethargy -- feeling overwhelmed and defeated, asking yourself "what's the point?"
What to do...
· Find ways to turn off the "tapes" replaying themselves in your mind. If there are moments or images that are particularly traumatic to remember (the decision to turn off life support, for example, or an image of your loved one in pain), talk through the memories with family members and friends who went through them with you.
Saying, "I keep thinking of how much pain she was in and wondering if there was more we could have done" allows you to get the dark feelings and fears out in the open so that you and those who were also present can talk through what happened.
You may be surprised to find that others remember things differently. Getting everyone's feelings out in the open allows you to reassure each other that you all did the best you could in a difficult situation.
· Ask for help. This is the time to find a support group, therapist, or close friend or family member who's been through something similar, who can help you work through these very difficult feelings.
On the Gold Coast, BlueCare has a free eight-week grief recovery program for Gold Coast residents who have lost a loved one.
For details phone 07 5532 0588 (northern end).
· Force yourself to reach out. It's easy to hide away or isolate yourself when you feel that you're "not at your best," but this is just the time to reach out. Put a few close friends or family members on alert by saying, "I'm having a pretty tough time right now. Can I call you when I'm really feeling down?" Setting this up ahead of time gives you permission to pick up the phone.
· Let yourself off the hook. If you're experiencing guilt for surviving, or relief that their suffering or your caregiving role is over, remind yourself that those feelings are common and natural and nothing to feel bad about. The truth of the situation is that the person you were caring for is out of pain and some of the burdens that have overwhelmed you have been lifted, and it's natural to react with relief.
Stage three in the stages of grief: Anger, frustration, and bitterness
For many people, this stage alternates in spurts with pain and guilt. You may find yourself becoming very reactive. You're going along just fine until something -- a TV episode, a story told by a friend, an ad in a magazine -- sets off an explosion of angry, even hostile feelings. Sometimes anger is a way to shield ourselves from feeling intense pain; other times it's the simple contrast between other peoples' concerns and the sheer magnitude of what we're going through that triggers an attack of bitterness or frustration.
What you might be feeling:
· Sudden attacks of self-pity and frustration or bursts of outrage and a sense of injustice that may feel childlike: "Why me?" or "This isn't fair!" As one person put it, "I just keep thinking that this isn't what we signed up for."
· Bitterness or resentment. If you've lost someone who died relatively young, you may feel bitter about having lost her "before her time." Many people describe feelings they're not proud of, such as, "Why couldn't it have been him instead?" One person who lost her father early to cancer reported feeling ashamed of her lack of compassion when other friends described their difficulties with fathers in poor health. She heard a voice in her head saying, "I'll trade you any day."
What you might notice:
· A desire to avoid certain social situations, particularly those where others are celebratory or self-congratulatory.
· Irritation when others complain about things that seem petty and unimportant compared with what you're going through.
· A tendency to react with mistrust and sarcasm.
· Anger and bitterness over others' sincere expressions of sympathy. Someone saying "I understand," or "Is there something I can do?" might make you want to scream, for instance.
What to do:
· Avoid those who bring you down. If you notice that certain people or situations bring on bouts of anger and ill humour, it's perfectly okay to avoid them -- you're protecting both of you. For instance, if a certain friend tends to initiate a "pity party," put that friendship on hold for awhile.
· Tell people what's happened. It can be hard to bring up a loss, but it's more uncomfortable still if you keep silent and those around you remain oblivious. When there's an appropriate opening, explain that you've recently experienced a loss. People will be more supportive than you think, and some will really "get it," resulting in deeper shared connection. This will also stop most of those who are just having a bad day from telling you about it.
· Have compassion for yourself. When feelings of anger and bitterness are separating you from others, instead of berating yourself for your lack of compassion, turn that compassion on yourself. You've just lost someone terribly important to you, and it's natural for your mind to compare yourself with others and find their situations less traumatic. Talk to yourself with sympathy and forgiveness and remind yourself that you won't always feel this way.
Learn About Acceptance as a Stage of Grief:
No matter how deep your grief, slowly but surely you'll be pulled back into the world -- perhaps even against your will. Life has a way of throwing moments our way that wake us to the possibilities still in front of us.
But at first, it's almost certainly going to feel like one step forward, two steps back. That's okay. Bit by bit your mind will accept what's happened, and you'll discover new reserves of strength and resilience.
What you might be feeling:
· A sense of "waking up" to the world around you.
· Moments of surprising joy and satisfaction, followed by guilt: "How can I feel happy?"
· New reserves of strength and determination: "I can get through this."
· If you've lost your second parent, you may feel a sense of moving forward into a new phase of your life. Now you're the "older generation" in your family, which can feel scary and sad. But over time it may also feel freeing. Even if most of the time you're still very low, you'll start to see that there is a way past the grief.
What you might notice:
· Things can seem funny again. Whereas a few months ago you avoided silly movies and didn't find jokes funny, now every once in a while something makes you laugh or smile.
· A return to awareness: You notice the smell of roasting coffee or a friend's new scarf.
· The rediscovery of old satisfactions: You might realize you want to resume knitting, start a new book, or rejoin a volunteer effort that used to be important to you.
· At least for short periods, you feel like yourself again.
What to do:
· Seek out experiences that feel meaningful. If seeing your grandchildren is the only thing that gets you out of bed in the morning, make as many dates as possible to spend time with them. If watching birds at the bird feeder lifts your spirits in midwinter, keep the feeder filled and perhaps invest in a bird guide and try to identify your winter visitors.
· Fight "survivor's guilt." Don't feel bad about being happy. Life goes on, and we're meant to go on with it. If the moments are few and far between, notice them and seek out similar moments. Ask yourself what your loved one would have wished for you -- to see you in perpetual mourning or happy to see you rediscovering joy in life?
· Give back to others. Many people, when grieving a loss, find solace in helping others. It can take you out of yourself and put things in perspective to help others in need. Volunteer in your community or at your place of worship, or offer to help a friend or neighbour who is going through a hard time.
Remember all the people who helped you through your loved one's last illness? There are others out there for whom you can perform the same valuable service, with a new depth of compassion and understanding.
Resources to help you cope - for Yourself, and for your Loved One
Professor Liz Lobb - the best I have seen. Her sensitive insights, understanding, and compassion, alert us to the fact that, "There is no right or wrong way to grieve. What you are experiencing is Normal. Each grieve, each in their own way." and it's OK, because it's Normal...
A Video on Bereavement:
A discussion of the nature of grief, the stages of grief and health professional’s awareness regarding the grieving process.