How to Help Without Being a Rescuer
Are You a Rescuer? It is possible to help without becoming too involved.
-Do you sometimes help people who have not clearly expressed that they needed your help?
-Do you feel guilty and at fault when someone around you has trouble taking responsibility for themselves?
-Do you sometimes feel angry because you are convinced that the person would do so much better if they listened to your instructions?
If you answered YES to one of these questions, it is possible that you act as a rescuer with people around you. This puts you in an uncomfortable position which risks to be exhausting.
Potential Rescuers - Caregivers must avoid rescue missions as well as total investment in others which can be disastrous for them and the people they want to help. A rescuer prevents the other person from acting freely.
According to Melody Beattie, a therapist with alcoholics and drug addicts, people who are co-dependent often act as rescuers by sacrificing themselves for others. They rush to help brushing aside their own needs, emotions and wishes. Another therapist, Scott Egleston, points out that “we act as rescuers each time we take charge of others in their thoughts, their emotions, their decisions, their attitudes, their evolution, their well-being, their problems or their destiny.”
The Dynamics
Often, it is pity, guilt or simply anxiety that prompts rescuers to act. Most of the time, rescuers are convinced that they must absolutely do something. They believe that they know better than anyone else what must be done, they feel indispensable and irreplaceable even when nothing is asked of them. They believe the world cannot function without them, that those around them are unable to act on their own, unable to take charge of themselves. In fact, they believe they are more competent than their loved ones to decide what is best. Rescuers act with the best of intentions, feeling that they are charitable souls and have big hearts, but they protect their loved ones without taking into account their real needs.
Despite this image of relative decency, it is to shut out the discomfort felt at the distress of others that rescuers act. Unfortunately, they soon see that they didn’t really want to act, and thus become irritable and most of the time realize that they were not really competent to do what they did, or else they find themselves with problems that do not concern them or which are quite different from what they had imagined. They wonder if they went too far, do not know when to stop and see that the dependence of others takes hold. In short, they sacrificed themselves and now wish they had not. To make matters worse, the victims, the distressed souls, show no gratitude, and do not act properly because they do not listen to the advice of the rescuers.
The Persecutor and the Victim
Far from improving, the person helped by the rescuer is freed of all responsibilities and continues in his or her destructive ways while having the time to blame the rescuer. If the rescuer is convinced that he must continue in his mission, he increases his efforts while setting his own needs and desires aside. This is when the rescuer can end up worn out and give up because he feels exploited and drained, and thus becomes himself a victim. On the other hand, he may exchange the life jacket for a club, thus becoming a persecutor. That is, he imposes strict rules which must be respected. He keeps a close eye on the other person’s behaviour and intervenes at the least departure from the rules. He becomes angry and threatens to cut privileges.
By nagging, controlling and persecuting the other, the rescuer ends up, sooner or later, as a victim. Emotions at this stage are extremely painful, going from loss of self-esteem to a profound feeling of inadequacy. Unfortunately, the cycle continues to repeat itself as long as the rescuer does not realize the dynamics at work.
Giving up Rescuing
It is not easy for the rescuer to change his behaviour. As we said earlier, he starts with feeling pity, guilt or anxiety, and it is to calm these unpleasant emotions that he rescues others. Often, it is an extension in adulthood of what he learned as a child, and he continues to help everyone but himself. The rescuer has problems to recognize his own wishes, his own needs. It is through others, and to his own detriment, that he tries to self-actualize and fulfill himself. To put an end to the need to rush to help others, he must learn to take care of himself. He must do it in spite of the guilt, the sadness and the anger which surface when he finally realizes that he neglected himself during so many years.
To break the rescue pattern, the rescuer must first take charge of himself, but he must also learn every day to distinguish the role of caregiver from the life jacket.
First, when someone close is facing a difficulty, the caregiver must take the time to listen carefully to the message that is being relayed while intervening as little as possible. Sometimes, listening is all that is needed, but when that is not the case, listening will make it possible to evaluate if he can help or not.
Second, it is essential to have a clear request before helping someone as long as the person can make such a request. Sometimes it is helpful to simply ask this question: “Would you like my help?” Then it is possible to clarify if all the problems results from that or if he or she really needs help.
Before taking action, the caregiver must ask himself several questions:
Finally, the needs, wishes and well-being of the caregiver should never suffer, or as little as possible, because of the help given to another. When discomfort appears, it is the best alarm for the caregiver to realize that he is sacrificing himself/herself instead of helping and that the rescuer is starting to lift his head.
With thanks for such understanding: Taken from L’Accolade santé mentale pamphlet
Source: Alain Rioux, Psychologie Quebec, August 1994
Are You a Rescuer? It is possible to help without becoming too involved.
-Do you sometimes help people who have not clearly expressed that they needed your help?
-Do you feel guilty and at fault when someone around you has trouble taking responsibility for themselves?
-Do you sometimes feel angry because you are convinced that the person would do so much better if they listened to your instructions?
If you answered YES to one of these questions, it is possible that you act as a rescuer with people around you. This puts you in an uncomfortable position which risks to be exhausting.
Potential Rescuers - Caregivers must avoid rescue missions as well as total investment in others which can be disastrous for them and the people they want to help. A rescuer prevents the other person from acting freely.
According to Melody Beattie, a therapist with alcoholics and drug addicts, people who are co-dependent often act as rescuers by sacrificing themselves for others. They rush to help brushing aside their own needs, emotions and wishes. Another therapist, Scott Egleston, points out that “we act as rescuers each time we take charge of others in their thoughts, their emotions, their decisions, their attitudes, their evolution, their well-being, their problems or their destiny.”
The Dynamics
Often, it is pity, guilt or simply anxiety that prompts rescuers to act. Most of the time, rescuers are convinced that they must absolutely do something. They believe that they know better than anyone else what must be done, they feel indispensable and irreplaceable even when nothing is asked of them. They believe the world cannot function without them, that those around them are unable to act on their own, unable to take charge of themselves. In fact, they believe they are more competent than their loved ones to decide what is best. Rescuers act with the best of intentions, feeling that they are charitable souls and have big hearts, but they protect their loved ones without taking into account their real needs.
Despite this image of relative decency, it is to shut out the discomfort felt at the distress of others that rescuers act. Unfortunately, they soon see that they didn’t really want to act, and thus become irritable and most of the time realize that they were not really competent to do what they did, or else they find themselves with problems that do not concern them or which are quite different from what they had imagined. They wonder if they went too far, do not know when to stop and see that the dependence of others takes hold. In short, they sacrificed themselves and now wish they had not. To make matters worse, the victims, the distressed souls, show no gratitude, and do not act properly because they do not listen to the advice of the rescuers.
The Persecutor and the Victim
Far from improving, the person helped by the rescuer is freed of all responsibilities and continues in his or her destructive ways while having the time to blame the rescuer. If the rescuer is convinced that he must continue in his mission, he increases his efforts while setting his own needs and desires aside. This is when the rescuer can end up worn out and give up because he feels exploited and drained, and thus becomes himself a victim. On the other hand, he may exchange the life jacket for a club, thus becoming a persecutor. That is, he imposes strict rules which must be respected. He keeps a close eye on the other person’s behaviour and intervenes at the least departure from the rules. He becomes angry and threatens to cut privileges.
By nagging, controlling and persecuting the other, the rescuer ends up, sooner or later, as a victim. Emotions at this stage are extremely painful, going from loss of self-esteem to a profound feeling of inadequacy. Unfortunately, the cycle continues to repeat itself as long as the rescuer does not realize the dynamics at work.
Giving up Rescuing
It is not easy for the rescuer to change his behaviour. As we said earlier, he starts with feeling pity, guilt or anxiety, and it is to calm these unpleasant emotions that he rescues others. Often, it is an extension in adulthood of what he learned as a child, and he continues to help everyone but himself. The rescuer has problems to recognize his own wishes, his own needs. It is through others, and to his own detriment, that he tries to self-actualize and fulfill himself. To put an end to the need to rush to help others, he must learn to take care of himself. He must do it in spite of the guilt, the sadness and the anger which surface when he finally realizes that he neglected himself during so many years.
To break the rescue pattern, the rescuer must first take charge of himself, but he must also learn every day to distinguish the role of caregiver from the life jacket.
First, when someone close is facing a difficulty, the caregiver must take the time to listen carefully to the message that is being relayed while intervening as little as possible. Sometimes, listening is all that is needed, but when that is not the case, listening will make it possible to evaluate if he can help or not.
Second, it is essential to have a clear request before helping someone as long as the person can make such a request. Sometimes it is helpful to simply ask this question: “Would you like my help?” Then it is possible to clarify if all the problems results from that or if he or she really needs help.
Before taking action, the caregiver must ask himself several questions:
- Am I the best person to fulfill the need?
- How can I share responsibilities?
- What is my objective?
- What must I avoid doing?
- What are the limits of the help that I want to give?
- Am I comfortable with the type of help I am getting ready to give?
Finally, the needs, wishes and well-being of the caregiver should never suffer, or as little as possible, because of the help given to another. When discomfort appears, it is the best alarm for the caregiver to realize that he is sacrificing himself/herself instead of helping and that the rescuer is starting to lift his head.
With thanks for such understanding: Taken from L’Accolade santé mentale pamphlet
Source: Alain Rioux, Psychologie Quebec, August 1994