Learning to Let Go: Recognizing Family Grief And Mental Illness
By Lucy Lu, Counselor and Art Therapist
When a loved one dies, we are able to seek support to mourn our loss and to learn to move on without their presence in our lives. In our society we have social rituals of letting go to help with grief and mourning – tears are shared and shed at a funeral, we celebrate and commemorate the life of the person at a wake, family and friends send us cards of condolences and we seek their company to share in the loss and find comfort in the memories of good times. In this normal process of loss through death, friends and family know how to support someone who is grieving and help them find closure over their loss.
When a loved one is struck with a serious mental illness, family members experience the loss of the individual they once knew, and are left to cope with learning how to live with a person who is physically present, but psychologically and emotionally different. What social rituals exist to deal with this loss that is so real, yet so difficult to grasp?
There are no funerals, wakes, cards or tears shared with family and friends when mental illness strikes a family. Researcher and clinician, Pauline Boss (1999) has called this difficult experience of loss, as an “ambiguous loss,” as family members are “frozen in their grief” because we lack the social rituals that help comfort people and allow them to mourn the multiple losses they will encounter in their mental illness experience.
Family members experience feelings of denial, anger, guilt, fear, sadness, and despair on their own as they try to cope with the consequences of mental illness. Often their energies are focused on understanding the mental illness and seeking help and services for their loved one. Family members supporting their loved one may experience many losses as they learn how to cope with their loved one with a mental illness. The delicate relationship balance is tipped, as family members “walk on eggshells” in order not to ‘trigger’ the person with mental illness, spouses become caregivers for their ill partner, parents continue to care for their adult children, and young children learn to parent their parents as they live with mental illness.
For the family member supporting the loved one with mental illness, people may experience many internal losses that go unrecognized by others or even by oneself –
As well, family members may experience external losses involving a change in balance in the family dynamic,
Without recognizing this mental health experience as a process of coping with losses, our emotional reactions are not recognized for what they are – as normal grief reactions to a great loss in our lives (Lafond, 2002; MacGregor, 1994). As stigma and prejudice around mental illness is prevalent in society and even in the mental health system, family members living with mental illness are unable to openly acknowledge their loss and grief, publically mourn it and receive the social support necessary to do the “grief work” that can help them learn to adapt, to cope, to let go of the expectations they had for their loved one, in order to find resolution and integration of mental illness in their lives.
When family members experience ambiguous loss and unaddressed or unexpressed grief, they can become stuck in some aspect of their grief, such as denial, anger, guilt or despair (MacGregor, 1994). Some current theories on grief propose that grief may not be experienced in moving through stages (as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross), but rather we swing like a pendulum from focusing on our losses (loss-orientation) to focusing on adapting to changes (restoration-orientation) (Strobe and Schut,1999).
Thus a healthy form of coping with mental illness may fluctuate between
However, when we become stuck in some of these more difficult feelings, we have a harder time swinging towards focusing on adapting and restoring our senses of self. By being fixed on what has been lost, it becomes hard for us to change the way we relate to our loved one and see them for who they really are with the mental illness, as well as their potential to grow and change.
Dementia - Know the Facts - Gold Coast 8 May
Date: Tuesday, 8 May 2018 - 9:30am to 12:30pm
Address: Gold Coast
Dementia: Know The Facts ProgramCost: Free (funded by the Australian Government)
Suitable for: Family and friends of a person who has memory concerns and may have a diagnosis of dementia.
Bookings are essential. For more information, please call our free booking line on 1800 588 699 or email [email protected]
Living With Memory Loss - Gold Coast 5 June
Date: Tuesday, 5 June 2018 - 9:30am to 3:30pm
Address: Gold Coast
Living With Memory LossCost: Free (funded by the Australian Government)
Suitable for: Participants must have a diagnosis of dementia or be accompanying a person with a diagnosis.
Bookings are essential. For more information, please call our free booking line on 1800 588 699 or email [email protected]
Family Carers Course - Gold Coast 24 May
Date: Thursday, 24 May 2018 - 9:30am to 2:30pm
Address: Gold Coast
Family Carers CourseCost: Free (funded by the Australian Government)
Suitable for: Family and friends of a person diagnosed with dementia.
Bookings are essential. For more information, please call our free booking line on 1800 588 699 or email [email protected]
By Lucy Lu, Counselor and Art Therapist
When a loved one dies, we are able to seek support to mourn our loss and to learn to move on without their presence in our lives. In our society we have social rituals of letting go to help with grief and mourning – tears are shared and shed at a funeral, we celebrate and commemorate the life of the person at a wake, family and friends send us cards of condolences and we seek their company to share in the loss and find comfort in the memories of good times. In this normal process of loss through death, friends and family know how to support someone who is grieving and help them find closure over their loss.
When a loved one is struck with a serious mental illness, family members experience the loss of the individual they once knew, and are left to cope with learning how to live with a person who is physically present, but psychologically and emotionally different. What social rituals exist to deal with this loss that is so real, yet so difficult to grasp?
There are no funerals, wakes, cards or tears shared with family and friends when mental illness strikes a family. Researcher and clinician, Pauline Boss (1999) has called this difficult experience of loss, as an “ambiguous loss,” as family members are “frozen in their grief” because we lack the social rituals that help comfort people and allow them to mourn the multiple losses they will encounter in their mental illness experience.
Family members experience feelings of denial, anger, guilt, fear, sadness, and despair on their own as they try to cope with the consequences of mental illness. Often their energies are focused on understanding the mental illness and seeking help and services for their loved one. Family members supporting their loved one may experience many losses as they learn how to cope with their loved one with a mental illness. The delicate relationship balance is tipped, as family members “walk on eggshells” in order not to ‘trigger’ the person with mental illness, spouses become caregivers for their ill partner, parents continue to care for their adult children, and young children learn to parent their parents as they live with mental illness.
- This ‘ambiguous loss’ is experienced in witnessing your loved one undergo a number of losses due to the consequences of mental illness –
- loss in competence and independence,
- losses of joy and pleasure in life,
- loss of dreams for the future,
- and sometimes dealing with the real or near loss due to attempted suicide.
For the family member supporting the loved one with mental illness, people may experience many internal losses that go unrecognized by others or even by oneself –
- loss of self-esteem,
- loss of dreams,
- loss of control,
- loss of pleasure in child’s successes ,
- loss of hope,
- loss of security and certainty both of the illness and future,
- loss of religious faith,
- loss of positive sense of family life (PMacGregor, 1994).
As well, family members may experience external losses involving a change in balance in the family dynamic,
- loss of privacy,
- loss of a sense of spontaneity,
- loss of the social support and network,
- loss of faith in the mental health system,
- loss of financial resources and
- loss of freedom as the caregiver becomes the primary support for the person living with mental illness (MacGregor, 1994).
Without recognizing this mental health experience as a process of coping with losses, our emotional reactions are not recognized for what they are – as normal grief reactions to a great loss in our lives (Lafond, 2002; MacGregor, 1994). As stigma and prejudice around mental illness is prevalent in society and even in the mental health system, family members living with mental illness are unable to openly acknowledge their loss and grief, publically mourn it and receive the social support necessary to do the “grief work” that can help them learn to adapt, to cope, to let go of the expectations they had for their loved one, in order to find resolution and integration of mental illness in their lives.
When family members experience ambiguous loss and unaddressed or unexpressed grief, they can become stuck in some aspect of their grief, such as denial, anger, guilt or despair (MacGregor, 1994). Some current theories on grief propose that grief may not be experienced in moving through stages (as outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross), but rather we swing like a pendulum from focusing on our losses (loss-orientation) to focusing on adapting to changes (restoration-orientation) (Strobe and Schut,1999).
Thus a healthy form of coping with mental illness may fluctuate between
- thinking of the losses to attending to life changes;
- experiencing denial and avoidance to distraction from our pain through activity,
- realizing our old relationship has changed and learning to build a new kind of relationship.
However, when we become stuck in some of these more difficult feelings, we have a harder time swinging towards focusing on adapting and restoring our senses of self. By being fixed on what has been lost, it becomes hard for us to change the way we relate to our loved one and see them for who they really are with the mental illness, as well as their potential to grow and change.
Dementia - Know the Facts - Gold Coast 8 May
Date: Tuesday, 8 May 2018 - 9:30am to 12:30pm
Address: Gold Coast
Dementia: Know The Facts ProgramCost: Free (funded by the Australian Government)
Suitable for: Family and friends of a person who has memory concerns and may have a diagnosis of dementia.
Bookings are essential. For more information, please call our free booking line on 1800 588 699 or email [email protected]
Living With Memory Loss - Gold Coast 5 June
Date: Tuesday, 5 June 2018 - 9:30am to 3:30pm
Address: Gold Coast
Living With Memory LossCost: Free (funded by the Australian Government)
Suitable for: Participants must have a diagnosis of dementia or be accompanying a person with a diagnosis.
Bookings are essential. For more information, please call our free booking line on 1800 588 699 or email [email protected]
Family Carers Course - Gold Coast 24 May
Date: Thursday, 24 May 2018 - 9:30am to 2:30pm
Address: Gold Coast
Family Carers CourseCost: Free (funded by the Australian Government)
Suitable for: Family and friends of a person diagnosed with dementia.
Bookings are essential. For more information, please call our free booking line on 1800 588 699 or email [email protected]