How to Say No…
Caregivers often feel at the mercy of their loved ones who are ill and unable to refuse certain favours even when the requests are exaggerated. The needs and the wishes of the loved one often conflict with those of the caregiver. The latter is a full-fledge human being with his or her own rights and needs. The caregiver can be attentive to what the loved one says and take it into account without becoming servile and submissive. The preservation of his or her self-esteem and of the quality of the relationship with the loved one depends on it.
Keep in mind that before that person became ill, he or she was not always right, that he or she was not always reasonable and could, from time to time, forget to take into account the needs and points of view of others. Take time to express your perception of the situation; what you think and how you feel. Remain the judge of your behavior.
You can establish limits, not respond to a request or respond a little later when it is more convenient for you. Your role as a caregiver can become tyrannical if you fail to keep a critical eye on your duties.
Some may think that it is impossible to say no in a polite and even friendly manner without getting angry. That is false. We can refuse to acquiesce to a request in a direct and polite manner and avoid being manipulated by flattery, pressures of guilt, threats or insults. Also, it is not necessary to apologize or to justify the refusal. If, for example, you do not want to visit your mother during the day when she asks you on the phone, you only need to say: “No, I can’t because I am busy this afternoon. I am not available.” That’s it. If you apologize or try to justify your reply, she may plead and try to manipulate you, i.e. make you feel guilty, anxious and ill at ease in an effort to satisfy her own needs. It is likely that the first times you affirm yourself, she will become insistent. She has a right to express her wishes … and you have the right to prioritize your own needs at any particular time. In our example, all you need to do is calmly repeat that you are not available this afternoon.
Let’s emphasize here the difference between a need (I’m thirsty) and a desire (I want a caffeine-free diet Coke). Your loved one may insist that you do certain things immediately because that is what they want, or because they are not fully aware, or even because they are anxious. This does not necessarily mean that what your loved one wants is essential or even as necessary as they want you to believe. You are entitled to make up your own mind about the situation taking into account your point of view and your needs.
After you have refused to give in to the request in a polite, calm and earnest manner, your loved one may insist. You then face some options.
You can suggest alternatives: For example, you can suggest to your mother that although you are not available, she may want to ask someone else to visit her today. Keep in mind, however, that you are not responsible for solving all the problems facing the person who presents them to you. It is one thing to suggest solutions if the person is lonely, it is another to feel obligated to make sure she is not lonely. She may refuse all your suggestions in the hope that you will finally give in and visit her. It is her choice to refuse to consider alternatives. That does not mean that you are obligated to put everything aside to rush to her.
When the loved one asks something, you must first be sure that you understand the request clearly. If needed, ask for a clarification. You have the right to understand what is asked of you before taking a decision. Beware of those who make you feel stupid because you do not understand immediately what they mean even though they are not expressing themselves clearly. For example, visiting your mother to chat over coffee is the not the same thing as painting her house.
Take time to show that you have understood the request by restating it. For example, you could say: “ I understand that you want me to go see you this afternoon, but I am really not available. I have things to do. I am busy.”
Once you clearly understand the request, you do not need to take an immediate decision. You could answer: “I’ll think about it and will let you know in two hours (or tomorrow, or in a week, depending on the request).”
Some people who are ill can pressure you to make a quick decision without thinking about it.
Once again, these pressures are not always for essential needs, and taking the time to reflect properly can be very helpful for you as well as your loved one. There will be plenty of situations where events do not allow time to postpone the decision. Take advantage of delaying a decision when it is possible and helpful. Of course, once you have decided whether to acquiesce or not to the request, you should not delay your answer simply because you are afraid of the reaction of the other person. An immediate answer will allow you to concentrate on other things.
If the person insists despite repeated and polite refusals, you can then express how you feel. “I am sorry that you continue to ask me that. It makes me feel pressured. As I told you, I am not available today.” If she continues to repeat her request, you can ask that she desists. “I would really like for you to stop insisting.”
Once you start putting these strategies into application, don’t forget that those around you are used to seeing you agreeing to their requests, and that they will insist vigorously at first hoping to make you change your mind. In time, they will get used to the fact that when you say no, it is really no, and they will stop insisting. It is important to keep to your guns when you start practicing saying no when situations are simple and minor. With time, you will get progressively better at it.
with grateful thanks - from L’Accolade santé mentale pamphlet
Source: Vivre avec un malade sans le devenir, by Bruno Fortin and Sylvain Néron, Éditions du Meridien, 1991.
https://www.asmfmh.org/en/services/
https://www.asmfmh.org/en/ressources/troubles-de-sante-mentale/
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Five Ways To Say No
In ARAFMI Mental Health Carer Workshop “The Power of Personal Boundaries”, we discuss a very important topic, the power of saying ‘no’. This one small word can pack quite a punch and understandably, we sometimes find it difficult to utter this word.
Too often we feel like we have to say ‘yes’ and end up over-committed, stressed and resentful. And many times this is a direct result of never being taught how to hone this very handy skill.
Saying ‘no’ is definitely a skill worth learning and practising. It’s worth noting that often times when we say yes to other people, we’re saying no to ourselves. But why and to what end? While it can seem easier to say yes, this can sometimes be not only unfair to ourselves, but to the other person.
Your time is important and respecting yourself sometimes will mean you have to say no. Putting yourself first is not something to feel guilty about; it’s merely a matter of learning the skills and practising it.
Our new address will be 24 Chermside Street, Teneriffe. It’s not far from our current location.
24 Hour Helpline
If you have any questions about this article or need someone to talk to, you can call Arafmi any time of the day on 07 3254 1881. It’s comforting to know that when you need to talk – someone who understands will be there – at any hour.
Caregivers often feel at the mercy of their loved ones who are ill and unable to refuse certain favours even when the requests are exaggerated. The needs and the wishes of the loved one often conflict with those of the caregiver. The latter is a full-fledge human being with his or her own rights and needs. The caregiver can be attentive to what the loved one says and take it into account without becoming servile and submissive. The preservation of his or her self-esteem and of the quality of the relationship with the loved one depends on it.
Keep in mind that before that person became ill, he or she was not always right, that he or she was not always reasonable and could, from time to time, forget to take into account the needs and points of view of others. Take time to express your perception of the situation; what you think and how you feel. Remain the judge of your behavior.
You can establish limits, not respond to a request or respond a little later when it is more convenient for you. Your role as a caregiver can become tyrannical if you fail to keep a critical eye on your duties.
Some may think that it is impossible to say no in a polite and even friendly manner without getting angry. That is false. We can refuse to acquiesce to a request in a direct and polite manner and avoid being manipulated by flattery, pressures of guilt, threats or insults. Also, it is not necessary to apologize or to justify the refusal. If, for example, you do not want to visit your mother during the day when she asks you on the phone, you only need to say: “No, I can’t because I am busy this afternoon. I am not available.” That’s it. If you apologize or try to justify your reply, she may plead and try to manipulate you, i.e. make you feel guilty, anxious and ill at ease in an effort to satisfy her own needs. It is likely that the first times you affirm yourself, she will become insistent. She has a right to express her wishes … and you have the right to prioritize your own needs at any particular time. In our example, all you need to do is calmly repeat that you are not available this afternoon.
Let’s emphasize here the difference between a need (I’m thirsty) and a desire (I want a caffeine-free diet Coke). Your loved one may insist that you do certain things immediately because that is what they want, or because they are not fully aware, or even because they are anxious. This does not necessarily mean that what your loved one wants is essential or even as necessary as they want you to believe. You are entitled to make up your own mind about the situation taking into account your point of view and your needs.
After you have refused to give in to the request in a polite, calm and earnest manner, your loved one may insist. You then face some options.
You can suggest alternatives: For example, you can suggest to your mother that although you are not available, she may want to ask someone else to visit her today. Keep in mind, however, that you are not responsible for solving all the problems facing the person who presents them to you. It is one thing to suggest solutions if the person is lonely, it is another to feel obligated to make sure she is not lonely. She may refuse all your suggestions in the hope that you will finally give in and visit her. It is her choice to refuse to consider alternatives. That does not mean that you are obligated to put everything aside to rush to her.
When the loved one asks something, you must first be sure that you understand the request clearly. If needed, ask for a clarification. You have the right to understand what is asked of you before taking a decision. Beware of those who make you feel stupid because you do not understand immediately what they mean even though they are not expressing themselves clearly. For example, visiting your mother to chat over coffee is the not the same thing as painting her house.
Take time to show that you have understood the request by restating it. For example, you could say: “ I understand that you want me to go see you this afternoon, but I am really not available. I have things to do. I am busy.”
Once you clearly understand the request, you do not need to take an immediate decision. You could answer: “I’ll think about it and will let you know in two hours (or tomorrow, or in a week, depending on the request).”
Some people who are ill can pressure you to make a quick decision without thinking about it.
Once again, these pressures are not always for essential needs, and taking the time to reflect properly can be very helpful for you as well as your loved one. There will be plenty of situations where events do not allow time to postpone the decision. Take advantage of delaying a decision when it is possible and helpful. Of course, once you have decided whether to acquiesce or not to the request, you should not delay your answer simply because you are afraid of the reaction of the other person. An immediate answer will allow you to concentrate on other things.
If the person insists despite repeated and polite refusals, you can then express how you feel. “I am sorry that you continue to ask me that. It makes me feel pressured. As I told you, I am not available today.” If she continues to repeat her request, you can ask that she desists. “I would really like for you to stop insisting.”
Once you start putting these strategies into application, don’t forget that those around you are used to seeing you agreeing to their requests, and that they will insist vigorously at first hoping to make you change your mind. In time, they will get used to the fact that when you say no, it is really no, and they will stop insisting. It is important to keep to your guns when you start practicing saying no when situations are simple and minor. With time, you will get progressively better at it.
with grateful thanks - from L’Accolade santé mentale pamphlet
Source: Vivre avec un malade sans le devenir, by Bruno Fortin and Sylvain Néron, Éditions du Meridien, 1991.
https://www.asmfmh.org/en/services/
https://www.asmfmh.org/en/ressources/troubles-de-sante-mentale/
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Five Ways To Say No
In ARAFMI Mental Health Carer Workshop “The Power of Personal Boundaries”, we discuss a very important topic, the power of saying ‘no’. This one small word can pack quite a punch and understandably, we sometimes find it difficult to utter this word.
Too often we feel like we have to say ‘yes’ and end up over-committed, stressed and resentful. And many times this is a direct result of never being taught how to hone this very handy skill.
Saying ‘no’ is definitely a skill worth learning and practising. It’s worth noting that often times when we say yes to other people, we’re saying no to ourselves. But why and to what end? While it can seem easier to say yes, this can sometimes be not only unfair to ourselves, but to the other person.
Your time is important and respecting yourself sometimes will mean you have to say no. Putting yourself first is not something to feel guilty about; it’s merely a matter of learning the skills and practising it.
Our new address will be 24 Chermside Street, Teneriffe. It’s not far from our current location.
24 Hour Helpline
If you have any questions about this article or need someone to talk to, you can call Arafmi any time of the day on 07 3254 1881. It’s comforting to know that when you need to talk – someone who understands will be there – at any hour.