How to help Yourself to readjust...
After the funeral... Your friend's grief can go on for days, weeks, years after the funeral. They Need YOU just to be there for them. With company. With laughter. With a friendly hand on the shoulder. To just sit quietly with them. To 'Be There' for them.
"Over the coming days you will notice the calls and visits gradually become less frequent as people begin to return to their normal lives already in progress - right about the time the bottom drops out for you.
Just as the shock begins to wear off and the haze is lifted and you start to feel the full gravity of the loss; just as you get a clear look at the massive crater in your heart - you find yourself alone.
But if there’s anything I would tell you, as someone who’s walked through the Grief Valley, is that the time your presence is most needed and most powerful, is in those days and weeks and months and years after the funeral; when most people have withdrawn and the road is most isolating. It is in the countless ordinary moments that follow, when grief sucker punches you and you again feel it all fully."
with Grateful acknowledgement for such insight. This aspect of 'grieving' is Real - to YOU. YOU 'Need' other people around. YOU 'Need' their shoulder and YOU 'Need' them to just 'Be there for you'.
http://johnpavlovitz.com/2017/01/05/the-grieving-need-you-most-after-the-funeral/
How can I access grief counselling?
When someone close to you dies you may have trouble coping with the intense feelings of grief. It might be helpful to talk about these feelings with someone from outside your circle of family or friends.
Grief counselling focuses on helping you to understand your grief and to adjust to life after your loss. It can also help you to understand the people around you who may be expressing their grief in different ways. Grief counsellors can also put you in touch with other services in your area that may be able to help.
The following two national support organisations — which have local branches throughout Australia — may also be able to help you cope with your grief:
Continuing bonds
There has been a movement away from the idea that successful grieving requires ‘letting go’, with writers such as Klass, Silverman and Nickman (1996) offering an alternate approach where they argue that after a death bonds with the deceased do not necessarily have to be severed, and that there is a potentially healthy role for maintaining continuing bonds with the deceased. This idea represents recognition that death ends a life, not necessarily a relationship. Rather than ‘saying goodbye’ or seeking closure, there exists the possibility of the deceased being both present and absent.
https://www.psychology.org.au/for-members/publications/inpsych/2011/dec/Beyond-Kubler-Ross-Recent-developments-in-our-und
and Remember that YOU are precious. To yourself, and to those around you.
- Talking about the person who has died, your thoughts and feelings can be helpful.
- Give yourself permission to grieve. Allow yourself to grieve in your own time and in your own way. Do not let anyone else tell you what you should be doing or how you should be feeling.
- Give yourself quiet time alone. Avoid always being very busy and being with other people.
- Grief involves managing the many practical problems as well. Try your best not to feel overwhelmed by these problems. Deal with each problem one at a time and accept help and support, from whatever source.
- Be kind to yourself. You are your own best friend.
- Give yourself breaks from your grief, it is like very hard work.
- Looking at photos, sharing stories or writing a journal can help.
- Try not to isolate yourself. Try to accept help from family and friends. As much as possible, allow them to care for you and nurture you.
- Take time to pamper or indulge yourself - do something Special. At first, things might seem pointless and without pleasure, but do them anyway, as they may refresh you and may ease tension.
- Look after Yourself. Grief can place a strain on your health. Diet is important when you are grieving. A healthy diet will help fight infection. During the early days, you may not feel like eating but small healthy regular meals are still important. Gentle exercise, fresh air and being outdoors can relieve stress and lethargy. Rest and sleep are important.
- Physical exercise like walking and swimming can improve your mood and energy levels.
- Massage, relaxation and meditation can ease tension.
- Be wary of advice-givers. Well meaning people offer many suggestions. Pick and choose what works for You.
- Avoid relying on drugs and alcohol for support. Although your pain may be eased temporarily, it will return once the drug has worn off. It is healthier to experience Your feelings, even if it seems more painful in the short term.
- Learn more about what to expect in your bereavement. Information can help your understanding and prevent unrealistic expectations. Often the funeral home will have some relevant literature. Ask.
- Understand your friends. Know which of your friends are able to listen. Some of your friends may be better at giving practical help or offering respite from your grief with offers of outings or movies. You may need to tell your friends what you need at any particular time. Our community is not comfortable with grief and often friends feel at a loss about what to say or do. Accept offers of practical help.
- Be prepared for the ups and downs of grief. You will have bad days. It can help if you do not expect too much of yourself. It can help to be flexible and change your plans if necessary. You may need to do something to look after yourself, to give yourself respite from your grief or to help you express your feelings. It is OK to cry. It is OK to rant and rage... It's OK :-)
- Taking one day at a time and not looking too far ahead can be helpful.
- Set yourself small goals and plans at first. Initially you may not enjoy activities in the way you may have before. Small goals and pleasures can keep you going, give your life a little meaning and provide purpose and direction.
- While not giving up hope of feeling better, do not let others minimize your loss and grief. Many people in the community are uncomfortable with grief and will try to make you feel better.
- Be patient with yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. It can take longer than you may initially think.
- The intensity of your grief does not usually last forever. Each person's grief will last for a different period of time. Sometimes in families these differences in grieving can result in tension and disagreement. Accepting and understanding individual differences can be helpful.
- Where possible avoid making big changes or decisions too early. It is a difficult time to know what you want and need.
- Your family will also be affected by grief. Family members can have different reactions. There will be times when you trigger other family member's grief. Roles and responsibilities in your family may need to be changed. You may find it helpful to share your grief or to seek support outside the family.
- You do not have to make sense of your loss or fit it into your religious beliefs or meaning of life immediately. This takes time.
- It can be helpful to tell yourself that you will get through this. Even though this may not seem possible now, there are many other grieving people who are managing. Negative thoughts can make your grief and self esteem worse.
- Seeking out people who have also experienced the death of a loved family member or friend can be helpful. Support groups are available.
- Ask for help. You do not have to cope with this on your own. Many people seek professional assistance to help them with normal grieving and more complicated or prolonged grief.
- Your loss will mean life will never be the same, you will never forget the person, there will always be reminders but the pain Will lessen. It can be helpful to decide that something meaningful will result from your loss.
- Grief is a part of life. We can learn and grow through our loss.
- When You feel ready, find rewarding activities, people, beliefs or activities.
After the funeral... Your friend's grief can go on for days, weeks, years after the funeral. They Need YOU just to be there for them. With company. With laughter. With a friendly hand on the shoulder. To just sit quietly with them. To 'Be There' for them.
"Over the coming days you will notice the calls and visits gradually become less frequent as people begin to return to their normal lives already in progress - right about the time the bottom drops out for you.
Just as the shock begins to wear off and the haze is lifted and you start to feel the full gravity of the loss; just as you get a clear look at the massive crater in your heart - you find yourself alone.
But if there’s anything I would tell you, as someone who’s walked through the Grief Valley, is that the time your presence is most needed and most powerful, is in those days and weeks and months and years after the funeral; when most people have withdrawn and the road is most isolating. It is in the countless ordinary moments that follow, when grief sucker punches you and you again feel it all fully."
with Grateful acknowledgement for such insight. This aspect of 'grieving' is Real - to YOU. YOU 'Need' other people around. YOU 'Need' their shoulder and YOU 'Need' them to just 'Be there for you'.
http://johnpavlovitz.com/2017/01/05/the-grieving-need-you-most-after-the-funeral/
How can I access grief counselling?
When someone close to you dies you may have trouble coping with the intense feelings of grief. It might be helpful to talk about these feelings with someone from outside your circle of family or friends.
Grief counselling focuses on helping you to understand your grief and to adjust to life after your loss. It can also help you to understand the people around you who may be expressing their grief in different ways. Grief counsellors can also put you in touch with other services in your area that may be able to help.
The following two national support organisations — which have local branches throughout Australia — may also be able to help you cope with your grief:
- The National Association for Loss and Grief Australia (NALAG) is an independent, non-profit organisation. They help individuals, organisations and communities to work through their loss, grief, bereavement and trauma to make sure they are as strong as possible afterwards. A range of links to local resources, education and counselling programs can be found at the NALAG website.
- The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement is another independent, non-profit organisation. It is also the largest provider of grief and bereavement education in Australia. Visit the centre’s website to find out how they may be able to help you through counselling services, education courses and support information.
- Free Grief and Loss program by not-for-profit service provider Blue Care. Provides information, advice and support to help in your grieving process and help to develop your coping skills. They offer emotional and social support in a secure, confidential environment. Starting May 11th. Phone 5532 0588.
Continuing bonds
There has been a movement away from the idea that successful grieving requires ‘letting go’, with writers such as Klass, Silverman and Nickman (1996) offering an alternate approach where they argue that after a death bonds with the deceased do not necessarily have to be severed, and that there is a potentially healthy role for maintaining continuing bonds with the deceased. This idea represents recognition that death ends a life, not necessarily a relationship. Rather than ‘saying goodbye’ or seeking closure, there exists the possibility of the deceased being both present and absent.
https://www.psychology.org.au/for-members/publications/inpsych/2011/dec/Beyond-Kubler-Ross-Recent-developments-in-our-und
and Remember that YOU are precious. To yourself, and to those around you.